With the sound of the air conditioner my soul yearns for something more. The turmoil I feel within is slowly getting to be to much sometimes. As the AC compressor kicks in I am reminded of the failures of my past and as a picture message displays something I tried to hide from for along time. I feel as a child of God I should have know better.... and I did for that matter. Anger reigned supreme and my soul was corupted by my flesh and the desires that bent my will.
As the temptations arise while I am alone in a trailer in the hills of central New Mexico I am reminded I am never truely alone. I pray God take this from me several times and finally its not about taking its about freeing me from the temptation. "Lord give me something" finally I feel as though a break through has occured but I don't exactly what it is that has swept through my soul like a fire. I asked God to give me something that would rest on my soul and extinguish these desires of sin. What He gave me I feel I dont fully understand. I really want it to be something specific and I guess time will reveal its true form.
As relief slowly sets in so does confusion, oddly not any frustration though. My confusion usually has a traveling buddy named frustration that is never out of sight. This is different. "Lord make me the man you want me to be and equip me as such." Its strange to be out of stress but to still be wanting, although I doubt this wanting will have harmfull affects on me.
It started with a "I miss you" and I was going to say "I miss you too babe", but that never left my phone. Something from my soul creeped out "I want you" instead. Not to say "I miss you" is shallow, but my response to it was from deep within. I really did want her in more ways than her presence. I didn't just want to be with her, I wanted all of her. I want her knowledge, wisdom, humor, good looks, spirituallity and most of all her heart. I want a deep connection her that can't be easily had.
"Lord take me into the holy of holies to be with you, I long for you" I want everything you have for me. I am motivated by wanting her, I don't feel as though its a cheap gimic to lure me in. He does everything for a reason and I believe that my thoughts and feelings are a direct response to Him. Forgive me where I have failed take me in.
To be with her I need to first be with Him, not as though I have a map to her heart. Its because I want to be with the one that created us and this life I live. Hes knows how to make me happy and take away all the pain. In that I will find her. I can't imagine getting her any other way. Hes the goal shes the prize kinda thing I guess.
To be better everyday and find out more about Him and His will. I want it all.
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