What I miss

I miss traveling, while talking with Catherine last night I realized whats been bothering me a bit. I am not traveling to new places anymore like I was with my last job and its kind of depressing. I really like being somewhere new everyday and it was exciting to almost die and be mostly lost in deserts and or mountains. I like when feeling better just took looking out the window and realizing where I was. I don't have that anymore out here on the rigs. All the rigs look the same and its never someplace cool like the Oregon coast or driving over the continental divide.

How does this affect my life? I really think its my always wanting to go somewhere when I am off and its usually to another country or a distant part of mine. Its not that I am acting like a high roller or complete tool bag. I believe its mine my subconscious want to get away.

I love Texas but I want to see places that I've never seen before. I wanna grow up to be a traveler. Hopefully Catherine can come with.

with the sound of the air conditioner

With the sound of the air conditioner my soul yearns for something more. The turmoil I feel within is slowly getting to be to much sometimes. As the AC compressor kicks in I am reminded of the failures of my past and as a picture message displays something I tried to hide from for along time. I feel as a child of God I should have know better.... and I did for that matter. Anger reigned supreme and my soul was corupted by my flesh and the desires that bent my will.

As the temptations arise while I am alone in a trailer in the hills of central New Mexico I am reminded I am never truely alone. I pray God take this from me several times and finally its not about taking its about freeing me from the temptation. "Lord give me something" finally I feel as though a break through has occured but I don't exactly what it is that has swept through my soul like a fire. I asked God to give me something that would rest on my soul and extinguish these desires of sin. What He gave me I feel I dont fully understand. I really want it to be something specific and I guess time will reveal its true form.

As relief slowly sets in so does confusion, oddly not any frustration though. My confusion usually has a traveling buddy named frustration that is never out of sight. This is different. "Lord make me the man you want me to be and equip me as such." Its strange to be out of stress but to still be wanting, although I doubt this wanting will have harmfull affects on me.

It started with a "I miss you" and I was going to say "I miss you too babe", but that never left my phone. Something from my soul creeped out "I want you" instead. Not to say "I miss you" is shallow, but my response to it was from deep within. I really did want her in more ways than her presence. I didn't just want to be with her, I wanted all of her. I want her knowledge, wisdom, humor, good looks, spirituallity and most of all her heart. I want a deep connection her that can't be easily had.

"Lord take me into the holy of holies to be with you, I long for you" I want everything you have for me. I am motivated by wanting her, I don't feel as though its a cheap gimic to lure me in. He does everything for a reason and I believe that my thoughts and feelings are a direct response to Him. Forgive me where I have failed take me in.

To be with her I need to first be with Him, not as though I have a map to her heart. Its because I want to be with the one that created us and this life I live. Hes knows how to make me happy and take away all the pain. In that I will find her. I can't imagine getting her any other way. Hes the goal shes the prize kinda thing I guess.

To be better everyday and find out more about Him and His will. I want it all.

Last Day of August

I left my trailer with much anticipation because I had been its prisoner for too long. I wasn’t going far maybe a mile or two. I enjoy running for the workout and the escape from the indoors. I picked up a quick pace as I couldn’t contain myself as I was finally leaving work after many problems were diagnosed and fixed the previous days. The stress I had been accumulating was being released in vast quantities as my fast pace carried me off location in a matter of seconds.

I was free. Work is work and there is nothing we can do sometimes but to take what we are given and press through. Its part of the deal I think. There will be trouble and stress with everything; so the only course of action is to accept and overcome. Also, it’s a matter of being a man to me. I am sturdy and strong in the face of trouble at all costs; not for my pride, but because I have people depending on me to be that kind of man. A Texas man through and through.

As the striking sound of a rattlesnake pierced the calm evening air along side the eerie but harmless sound of a pump-jack I thought. It’s nice to be in shape and just go for a run and not have to focus solely on the task at hand by monitoring breathing and technique. Thinking is one of the greatest feelings as you work through thoughts and ideas. It’s easy to get carried away and a mature thought process is a great habit to develop; as it will help you enjoy more the fruits of your imagination.

I thought about running a race then about talking to Catherine then about possibly calling up Derek then about sleeping for once. Pretty simple but the background to each is very elaborate. I thought about the vacation I was fixing to have in a few days. Floating the river with friends and having a good time. The bigger deal of the weekend lies in a simple but immense feeling; that of being with my girlfriend who I haven’t seen since my birthday over a month ago. It really is the simple things in life, which are usually free or relatively inexpensive, that mean so much to us.

For twelve hours a day I am a slave to Pathfinder, but as soon as tour is over I am a free wandering man. I believe it’s about being in the moment whether is something we want to be apart of or not. For all the times were unhappy about our present predicament there’s a greater sense of satisfaction for the ones we enjoy.

Appreciation and contentment for ones life and experiences past, present and future will keep you.

Johnny Cash sings it best

I really only write when I am inspired to do so.

I had one heck of a text-a-thon with my girlfriend Catherine tonight. Of course there's emotion because I miss her, its been a couple weeks since I've seen her, but it seems to be a genuine feeling of just happiness more than anything.

Its hard to explain happiness as its felt because every person experiences it differently and under different circumstances I believe. Its a general feeling we all know that, but its not simple because its common. I believe its as complex as the makeup of the human body.

I am happy for many reasons that include being on par with God first and foremost. I really think I am inside His will at the moment. I can't say I am doing everything right and without blemish, but I am where I need to be. I feel good about decisions I've made of late and how those have worked out for me thus far. Granted not all of them have come to fruition. I can also attribute some of the happiness to having a girlfriend that is as genuine as the love God has shown to me by putting her in my life. I could go on and on about her, but to do so would be to my shame by so inadequately describing her and how much its a God thing that shes even in my life. I also have awesome friends like James and Joanne Price, Derek Boyd and Wayne Graham that support anything I do like they would a brother. Having a family like mine isn't a hindrance either (ah some sarcasm finally leaks out). These things have come together quite nicely for me.

All of that can be simply put into perspective as a Newsboys song- "Spirit Thing".
It can't be explained with astronomy or over a phone with Mrs Cleo.
Its one of those things that has to seen through the actions of the person experiencing them.

Its been along time since I've been happy.
I've been discontent with my life and my God many times over the last 4-5 years and I am not proud of that because I know better and shouldn't have let it happen. I've had my good moments in there many times actually, but none have lasted because I've screwed them up. I have thrown happiness away because I was blinded by myself. I dug myself into a hole that was to deep for me to get out by myself.
(I've been using the words "I" and "myself" a lot for a reason)
The biggest obstacle to my happiness was myself. Its something where only letting go and letting God is the only cure. He purifies with fire too.

To be happy you have to be given happiness by the God who created it and how you get it is between you and Him.

As for the Johnny Cash cameo its for the reason of which I was inspired today- my amazing girlfriend Catherine.

I fell into a burning ring of fire and it
burns
burns
burns

You know when...

You know when you sin how you feel awful?

More specifically the sin which is a vise that you can't seem to shake or keeps coming back?
The thorn in your side?

Yeah, that one is one that makes you feel the worst cause you think you've beaten it and it just never lets up! Makes you hate the Devil a whole lot huh?

Immediately after you blame the Devil you somehow seem to get rational and start the troubleshooting process. You eventually end up with you. Now you feel really bad huh?

The trouble with being human is being human. All we do is sin and its our nature to do so. The cool part about being a Christian is that we have found a way to not feel so bad. Its not the Fire Insurance Policy we picked up going for a swim in the sanctuary, its the process of forgiveness.

A true gift, nothing we deserve or ever will, but merely a simple gift from God. Mercy is given to us on no logical plane. We receive mercy because God has the unimaginable love for us.

By the time you realize this you are starting to feel better right?

Now is the part where you act and put thinking aside. Ask for forgiveness and let the power of it do the rest.

The thorn in my side make me detest myself when I let it get the best of me. I can't let it go untreated cause I am looking out for her. She means so much to me. I am putting her on a pedestal higher than God? It feels like it, is it wrong? Shouldn't letting God down be enough?

I don't understand everything and certainly not this. I just know I need to get better at repelling it.

Do work son!

Start of Challenge

Got my first workout in and I have forgotten how good it feels to workout and feel soreness. I need to gain about 24lbs to meet my challenge goal. Hopefully I can get into really good shape and STAY that way. Hopefully I can create good habits of working out that will stick after the challenge is over.

Also I am one lucky guy thanks to Catherine. Awesome birthday this year- stuff dreams are made of.

well better start this thing back up

Being a better person...
could be for someone else
yourself possibly
because you have due to outside influences
or it just happens and your special like that (over achiever)

For whatever the reason its an immense task to under take
it could possibly take the rest of your life to even put a dent in
in 6 months people could be seeing a difference
you may never see evidence (slacker)

What we put into the task is all we will get out of it; which oddly is logical (shut up Spock)
I wish it was a set distance or time we had to work to achieve success at this task,
but quiet possibly you may never finish or succeed (you were really bad to start with probably)

My question lies in the who for section
if its for someone else- are they worth it?
if its for yourself-what reward is there?

I have to get better because God has given me something to getter better for
yes I already have this something, but I will have to get better to keep this something
I'll die before I quit on this

We all have different passions and want different things some more than others as well
Just make sure your passion is true
then the task is no longer a task but life I guess

I am living finally
are you?